Grief and Grieving Series: What is Grief?
The first in a series of articles on grief and grieving.
What is Grief? Expanding the frame
In the United States we tend to limit public expression of grief to funerals. Even private expression of grief is limited to short bereavement periods for the loss of a loved one. Other personal losses, such as relationships, jobs, or limitations due to illness or traumatic experiences are not typically acknowledged as worthy of bereavement. Even though these are experiences most individuals will have in their lifetime, there are no “funerals” for lost jobs or lost love. There are no communal opportunities to grieve.
Many Types of Grief
Let’s expand the definition of grief a bit. There are many reasons one might feel grief and it can hit us in different ways. Here are several types of grief. As you read these, you might consider which of these you have experienced. Understanding the different types can help you find the support you or friends and family need.
Normal (or Acute) Grief: A natural response to loss that typically involves intense emotions such as sadness, anger, confusion, and yearning. Over time, these emotions gradually subside as the person adapts to the loss.
Anticipatory Grief: Grief experienced before an expected loss, such as during a loved one’s terminal illness or when someone close is experiencing suicidal ideation or dangerous drug addiction. It allows individuals to begin processing the loss while the person is still alive. Sadness, fear or anxiety (or all three) may be present. This is a good time to connect with your loved one and express gratitude or resolve unfinished business.
Complicated Grief: A type of grief that persists and intensifies over time, impairing a person’s ability to function in daily life. Persistent longing or preoccupation with the events surrounding the loss, difficulty accepting the loss, numbness or a desire to numb with substance, shopping or other avoidant behaviors can be an indication of complicated grief. Complicated grief often arises when a loss is experienced during other stressful times or when a person is already experiencing mental health issues like depression or anxiety at the time of the loss.
Disenfranchised Grief: Grief that is not openly acknowledged or socially supported. It often occurs when the loss is considered insignificant or stigmatized by society. This type of grief can arise during major life changes that are out of our control. Examples may be a house fire, loss of a job, loss of a pet, loss related to addiction or suicide. This could also be grief one feels related to experiencing societal disenfranchisement.
Delayed Grief: Grief that is postponed, often due to the need to focus on immediate responsibilities or emotional avoidance. In this type of grief, emotional reactions might emerge weeks, months or even years after the loss. Delayed grief can be activated by reminders of the loss or new emotional stressors.
Cumulative or Complex Grief: Grief that results from experiencing multiple losses in a short time, leaving little room to process each loss individually.Feelings of overwhelm, a desire to shut down, the sense that if you feel anything at all you will not be able to process the full weight of the grief can all be present with cumulative or complex grief. Heaviness, exhaustion, a desire to numb or “unplug” from things or symptoms of depression are characteristic of this type of grief.
Collective Grief: Grief experienced by a group or society in response to shared loss or trauma, such as natural disasters, pandemics, or social injustices. In the last several years we have experienced several events worthy of collective grief, the COVID 19 pandemic being just one example. Collective grief can often be suppressed due to a silent agreement social groups make with one another to avoid discussing the causes for grief. Once one person begins to open to the grief, others find they too are experiencing grief.
Ambiguous Grief: Grief that occurs when a loss is unclear or incomplete, making closure difficult. For example, one might experience grief for the loss of a relationship with a parent they never spent time with once they learn of that parent’s death. This type of grief can often involve feelings of confusion and questioning of self.
Secondary Grief: Grief that comes from witnessing the grief of someone close to you. Feelings of helplessness, a desire to “fix” things for them, revisiting personal losses may arise with secondary grief. For example, secondary grief could arise when a couple in a circle of friends splits up or divorces and social dynamics change.
Traumatic Grief: Grief complicated by trauma, often resulting from sudden, violent, or unexpected losses.This type of grief can include symptoms of PTSD such as intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, emotional numbness and hypervigilance.
Grief in Disguise
Now you may be beginning to see that grief does not always look like sadness or depression. Here are some other disguises grief wears:
Overwhelm
Numbness
Anger
Substance abuse
Anxiety
Depression
Emotional instability
Hyperfocus/overworking
Exhaustion
Now that we have a more expanded understanding of grief, you may be recognizing your own grief more easily. This is the first in a series of articles about grief and grieving. Please keep an eye out for the next article which will discuss the question of what to do when you are experiencing one of the types of grief described here. Meanwhile, please write to me if you are interested in attending any of the grief support offerings by Expansive Wellness Services.