Grief and Grieving Series: Communal Grieving
The second in a series of articles on grief and grieving.
Now that we have a more expanded understanding of grief, you may be recognizing your own grief more easily. This is the second in a series of articles about grief and grieving which takes a look at why grieving is important and what might be gained by allowing your grief to be fully expressed. By layering in the wisdom of tribal elders and teachers, I hope to provide a more supportive perspective on how we might approach grief and grieving.
Grief is not a single emotion, but a human experience.
When we are processing a loss or trauma, we are often in a state of confusion where many emotions such as anger, sadness, regret, shame, and even gratitude or joy intermingle. Grief is a universal human experience. Much like love, birth and death, to grieve is to be human. In The Smell of Rain on Dust, elder, writer and teacher, Martín Prechtel, says "Our modern culture has forgotten how to grieve properly, and in doing so, we have forgotten how to live fully." Prechtel presents the beautiful truth that grief is a form of praise, for we only grieve what we love. It is in and through our grief that we reaffirm our love and gratitude for life. In this way, the full expression of grief is a re-membering of what it is to be alive.
Similarly, Sobonfu Somé, a spiritual teacher and author from the Dagara tribe of Burkina Faso, offers profound insights into grief rooted in her community's traditions. Her teaching highlights grief as a natural, essential, and communal process that connects individuals to their humanity, their ancestors, and their community. Somé says, "In my culture, grief is seen as something that belongs to the whole community. It is too heavy for one person to carry alone."
Communal Grieving
In the past year alone, I can recall several instances where spontaneous communal grieving occurred surrounding tragedies that affected a large group of people. The floods in Appalachia, mass shootings in communities around the country. These and other circumstances called for a community response to acknowledge the shock and loss that many people experienced due to a single traumatic event.
But what about grieving the many losses that individuals are experiencing every day? At any given moment while we are riding the bus, walking through the supermarket, at a concert, there are likely to be a significant number of individuals holding back their tears, pushing down their hurt and feeling isolated in their grief. Have you ever felt this way?
There are very few clues in our Western society for how to be with the grief of others. And yet the simple act of being with someone in their grief, not trying to fix it or make the pain go away, but just being with them in it can be tremendously healing. In Somé’s Dagara teaching on the grief ritual, she described how grievers approach the grief altar and how one person from the village follows just to sit behind them with a gentle hand on their shoulder so they feel supported.
She described the range and types of grief being expressed in this way (paraphrased): There is no grief greater than another. The mother is at the grief altar grieving the death of a sister while holding her infant. The infant is grieving their hunger because the mother is grieving instead of feeding the baby. All grief is welcome.
Communal grieving of specific traumatic events seems to come fairly naturally in our society. However when it comes to acknowledging and making space for the grief we are all carrying on a regular basis, we often miss out on the shared experience of grieving and the support that makes it so much easier to carry our sorrow. Our ability to express our grief is in direct proportion to our ability to experience joy and gratitude. Imagine communities in which grief, joy and gratitude were fully expressed.
Why do I focus on grief?
In my work as a coach and psychotherapist, I have witnessed how unexpressed grief finds its way to becoming depression, anxiety, addiction, cruelty, suicidality, and so many other troublesome issues. It is common for people to feel that their grief will be too much to handle; that once they start grieving they may never stop. And yet the consequence of avoiding our grief is that we also avoid living fully. Certainly other biological, social and psychological considerations can cause the multitude of mental health challenges that arise, but when we allow grief to flow like a river, there are fewer stagnant pools of sorrow holding us back.
Other resources
For more reading/watching/listening from the elders and teachers mentioned here:
Martín Prechtel:
Sobonfu Somé:
WEBSITE (Sobonfu passed away in 2017 and her site is no longer up to date, but provides background and additional links)
BOOKS (This link also offers books written by Sobonfu’s “wasband”, the teacher Malidoma Somé)
Francis Weller:
BOOK The Wild Edge of Sorrow (available in paper and audio)